Thursday, February 11, 2010

So it begins...again..

But not for me...My 2010 race debut is a bit off, yet...But I've been sweaty-palmed over it for weeks now...months really. It's what's been keeping me motivated in the rain, the wet, the mud and grit of the road that screens it's way into the chamois through the Lycra. It has to be something special to warrant that kind of self inflicted abuse, doesn't it? I'm not sure why it is. But I spend a lot of time thinking about, working on, and worrying about bike racing. I'll admit I'm pretty fixated on winning. Though I have no guarantees of that. I'm racing as a Cat 3 this year- I may just get my ass handed to me. I really have no idea. I know that I'm stronger now this year, at this time, than I was last year- that gives me hope. But right now, that's all it is. hope.

I build a lot of plans on hope. Maybe too many. Maybe too few. In other parts of my life I'm more cautious, more timid. I'll plan less about the future. I'll spend less energy thinking about it, less effort creating the plan and worrying about it. In part, no doubt, out of fear that those plans will fail. With cycling, with racing, I plan with abandon. I hope, and wish, and scheme success. I mark goals, benchmarks, and fantasy wins. I schedule, test, verify, modify and test again in order to put myself in position to accomplish my goals. I can't bring myself to do that with the rest of my life. I look at my life with some ennui, in that way. I see only my missed chances, missed goals, and missed opportunities. Why is that? Planning for failure? As a friend used to say in design school: 'That's not a Gantt chart, that's a CAN'T chart.'

As for dreaming- nabbed this little vid from Sprinting for Signs via a teammates blog. It's really a great marketing piece for the Cervelo mystique...and I love it.

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