Monday, May 24, 2010

I used to race bikes... wife and I had a lovely little baby girl in March of this year..on the 7th to be exact. And my life changed, as predicted, for ever, in more ways than I can detail here, and for sure, in more ways than I really know right now. Suffice it to say that it has been amazing. The world blew up and gave me a new life, one filled with new joy and growth and intimacy and a new understanding of who I am. Earth shattering goodness.

It also took a lot away. For better and for worse. And right now, I am mourning the loss of a lot of it. There is no doubt in my mind that a lot of what I'm going through has to do with other things, like my career, the weather, my age....what's new. But on the other hand, I think I am really sad about the things that I have given up to be a father. Perhaps the most obvious of those things is the ability to prioritize myself, or more specifically, my for instance, riding and racing a bike.

It wasn't that long ago, that I felt like I was creating a community with the bike. Friends, teammates, adversaries, all part of this little world that goes along with bike racing in Portland. I was finding my place. I even got called a sandbagger! And now, it seems like a distant memory. I can feel the four extra pounds around my waist that have grown there in the absence of racing and training. I no longer feel the strength in my legs. I feel weak- more than weak in the legs, or the lungs, but weak in the heart, the soul. It all hurts a bit. And worst of all, I don't know how to get it back. There simply is not enough time to be present for my wife, my child, and myself all at the same time. Something has to give and I don't know how to do it.