So, since my last post two weeks ago, things have been sinking slowly into the shitter. On the heels of my win at Hillsboro I was called out on the 'Smack Talk' section of the Cross Crusade chats. Someone grabbed my results from this season, noting my start in the master b's and subsequent drop to the master c's and, posted them, and let the feeding frenzy ensue.
Now, I'm not the thickest skinned person. I'll be the first to admit. I wasn't raised to not give a shit about what other people think of me. In fact, I was raised oppositely; to care, in general, what people think, how they feel - in short, to be sensitive to others. So while I'm nice that way, I'm a bit weak with respect to others' criticism of me. So when I got called a sandbagger on line I took it the best way I could. I assumed this was fairly good natured. I can take that. I know it looks bad that I cat'd down. Anyway, I responded...read for yourself. My id is 'cramps'.
It became clear that it wasn't really all that good natured. There are people out there who don't care how much they hurt others. Who don't care if there are ramifications for their behavior on line. Like flipping someone off on the freeway is essentially anonymous, the name calling and labeling on the chats is harassment, and its cruel.
The big result of all this dis'ing is I don't really want to race 'cross anymore. I don't want to be out there, busting my ass with a bunch of people who don't respect me, the competition, or the spirit of it all. The whole exchange has really poisoned 'cross for me. I've been saying 'just fuck it, it's not worth it' for days now. I don't want to be a quitter, but I don't see any reason to participate so long as it's this shitty. I've lost a lot of respect for the other riders, in and out of my category, who called me a sandbagger, and frankly don't want to have anything to do with them.
There seems to have been more problems this year with people behaving badly at 'cross. I don't know if its a trend. 'Cross has gotten pretty big, and since it's been so inclusive, it's brought in a lot of people who maybe don't get the vibe, or have changed it to their liking, in a way that I don't. But a lot of complaining, name calling, bike throwing, bad language, bad behavior toward others had happened this season and I don't like it. I wasn't as plugged in to the social scene last year...but I was on the chats, and reading the comments and I don't remember it being so bad. Anyway, it makes me sad. Something good is dead, or dying and I'm not sure there is anything I can do about it.
since I posted last on the chats one of the other writers posted an apology for the whining and smack talking. So that was a bit of save for me. And still others have come to my 'defense' to some degree, so that is good. I'm not sure I am ready to play again. I'm not sure its worth it. If the price of doing well is what I've seen from others, I don't want to have anything to do with it. ever.